Pope Francis Moves into Cardboard Box in St. Peter’s Square

Overwhelmed by the luxury and extravagance of the hotel room he had been using as a residence in the Vatican’s Casa Santa Maria, Pope Francis has moved into a suite of cardboard boxes in the middle of St. Peter’s Square. Constructed of several “heavy-duty, commodious” refrigerator boxes, the new papal residence allows the pope to live in greater simplicity and share in the humble conditions experienced by many of the world’s poor.

The corrugated residence was constructed for the pope yesterday morning by a boy scout troop visiting from Rockwall, Texas. Papal spokesman Federico Lombardi gave reporters a tour of the suite last evening, pointing out the green tarp which will protect the Holy Father’s bedroom from the elements and the roofed box which will serve as a small chapel for daily Masses. The suite also features a double-wide box in which the pontiff will welcome special visitors and heads of state.

In his first night in the new pontifical digs, Pope Francis told Italian reporters that he loves being in a residence that is less isolating and allows him to more easily mingle with the faithful. At midnight, he cut a small window into the bedroom wall and gave his blessing to the pilgrims gathered nearby.

Local Catholics Hope New Pope Will Change Trinity to “God the Soft, Huggable Teddy Bear”

KANSAS CITY, MO—As Pope Benedict prepares to resign from the papacy today, many American Catholics are expressing optimism that the new man elected as pope will change course on the Church’s more unpopular and controversial teachings, such as the Trinity.

“I am a faithful Catholic and all, but the Church really needs to get with the times,” said local interior designer and Sunday School catechist Sarah Rottinghams, 34. “This whole Trinity thing, none of the eight-year-olds in my class get it.”

In its editorial this week, the locally-owned National Catholic Reporter also argued the need for the change.  “The doctrine of the Trinity is old-fashioned and anti-woman, a relic of an antiquated male-centric worldview that is no longer relevant in today’s atmosphere of women’s rights. The Church cannot afford to ignore the signs of the times and must adopt a more inclusive and mathematically sound image of God.”

Theologians from Notre Dame University are confident that the next Holy Father will follow their recommendation that God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit be replaced with God the Soft, Huggable Teddy Bear.

Director of Les Miserables Publicly Flogged for Positive Portrayal of Catholic Clergy

HOLLYWOOD—Tourists flocking to Hollywood Boulevard for this evening’s Oscars were surprised to find director Tom Hooper, award-winning director of The King’s Speech, shackled to a medieval stockade on Hollywood Boulevard.

The director’s punishment was due to the positive portrayal of Catholic clergy in his most recent film, Les Miserables. Remaining faithful to the French novel by Victor Hugo and its Broadway adaptation, the Catholic bishop whom Jean Valjean encounters in the film is saintly, welcoming, and generous, sparking the conversion on which the entire film is based. For violating its strict Catholicism policy, the Director’s Guild of America sentenced Hooper on Friday to a public flogging and ten hours in the stockade leading up to the Academy Awards.

Taylor Hackford, President of the Director’s Guild, speaking to reporters about the incident.

“We take these kind of violations very seriously,” said Taylor Hackford, president of the Director’s Guild. “Tom knows the rules: whenever you show a priest in a Hollywood picture, he must be depicted as a drunk, a kiddie lover, or otherwise a filthy excuse for a human being. For a priest to be portrayed in a good light, he must be shown taking a heroic stand against his church and what it teaches, coming to the realization that there’s nothing wrong with condoms after all, that sort of thing.”

In its official press release, the Director’s Guild of America stated that since the story required the character to be presented in a positive light, Hooper should have changed the bishop’s role into that of a wise environmentalist, feminist, or Native American.

Hooper has publically apologized for his lack of tolerance and professionalism, and was happy to pose for tourists throughout Sunday afternoon.

Pope Benedict to Retire to Epcot’s German Village

Papal spokesman Federico Lombardi has confirmed that Pope Benedict intends to retire to Orlando, Florida after abdicating the papacy later this month. “At his advanced age, Pope Benedict cannot return to the bitter cold of his German homeland,” Lombardi stated. “He has always longed to buy a small cottage in the German Pavilion in Disney World’s Epcot theme park, where he can enjoy an authentic German atmosphere, warm weather, and Disney magic throughout the year.” He would continue his priestly ministry on a smaller scale by joining the regular rotation of priests celebrating Mass for tourists each weekend at the nearby Shrine of Mary, Queen of the Universe. Disney officials have quietly confirmed that Benedict will be given a lifetime pass to all seven parks, and that he is especially looking forward to reading Augustine while leisurely circling the lazy river at Typhoon Lagoon.

Inaugural Address: Obama Promises to Open Planned Parenthood Branch in West Wing

WASHINGTON—Speaking before a crowd of eight hundred thousand spectators, President Obama made history today by declaring that the first act of his second presidential term would be to open a branch of Planned Parenthood in the West House.

“As you know, as president, I am a really big fan of a woman’s right to kill her child. It’s kind of my thing. The women of this nation are looking to me for bold action, and what better way for me to put my money where my mouth is than installing a Planned Parenthood clinic in my very own home?”

Obama explained that the White House is not only his home, but also the workspace for more than six hundred employees. Many of these trained professionals are women who, from time to time, experience the need to terminate a pregnancy. With the new clinic, located conveniently in the West Wing, “these courageous women would be able to come to work, have an abortion with their cup of coffee, and then get on with their day.”

Hastening to calm the objections of right-wing extremists that such a facility would be paid for with public funds, Obama vowed that he and Michelle would be paying for the installation of the clinic out of their own pocket.

Proof that Guinea Pigs Were Present at the Lord’s Birth

“Really guys, you’re freaking out about a Mayan calendar?”

by Jesus Christ, King of the Universe It is with great amusement that my Heavenly Father and I have watched the commotion over the past few months about the world ending today, all because of some obscure, unclear reference made by an old Mayan calendar. The Holy Spirit thinks it’s hilarious. I mean, really guys? […]

Pope Benedict’s First Tweet: “Wasssssup?”

ROME—After joining the social network earlier this month, Pope Benedict (@pontifex) sent his first personal message on Twitter today, writing to his faithful in eight different languages, “Wasssssup?” The short, colorful greeting has taken the world by storm, being retweeted approximately half a million times in the first hour since its release. The pontiff appears […]

Nancy Pelosi Wins Liturgical Dancing With The Stars

LOS ANGELES—In a surprising twist, Democratic powerhouse Nancy Pelosi has edged out her competitors to win the fifth season of Liturgical Dancing With The Stars, the hit television show that pairs Catholic celebrities with professional liturgical dancers. Filmed before a live studio audience in the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels, itself indistinguishable inside […]

Three Million Unborn Babies Celebrate Their First Thanksgiving

UNITED STATES—Across the nation today, an estimated three million unborn children joined their families and loved ones to celebrate Thanksgiving for the very first time. Speaking to Catholic Onion reporters from the womb, children expressed their gratitude to God and their parents for all of the blessings they have received so far in their short, […]